Where No Vulcan Has Gone Before
by Nate K
Summary: Spock tries his hand at something a little different, with some decidedly illogical results


_Personal Log: Stardate 5691.5. I love parties in general, but how in the name of God did I let McCoy talk me into this one! I thought a Christmas play performed by the crew was a great idea, but I had no idea that Spock had aspirations on Shakespearean-esk playwriting! Then, to make matters worse, with no one available to play Juliet, Sulu gets stuck with the part. I have to admit, seeing Sulu in a long, flowing gown standing on the balcony does have a comical side to it, I wish he would at least shave before the show. To make matters worse, its a Shakespeare Christmas pageant based on our experiences while on this mission. I know in my heart that I will have to pay sickbay a visit later before I puke._

Kirk flipped off the computer on his desk and rose from his chair. He didn't want McCoy to come, but he knew he would be there in a short while with his costume. He jumped a little when the door chimed. He knew McCoy would be right outside. His night of hell was about to begin.

"Come."

McCoy stepped through and held out a suit of some type, covered with a cloth to keep the rest of the ship from seeing it too early. This was all supposed to be a surprise, the costume and who was playing the part that Spock had penned.

"Here ya go, Jim," he blurted out, his southern drawl more pronounced than usual.

"Bones..."

McCoy held up his hand to quiet Kirk.

"Jim, you agreed to this and besides, the crew needs some diversion. This has been one tough mission. Now c'mon and don't be such a baby and besides, no one else will see you, this is just the dress rehearsal."

Kirk nodded and silently admitted defeat to himself.

"Okay Bones, I'll meet you there."

McCoy nodded and backed out the door. Kirk waited until he heard the swoosh before returning to his desk and reopening his personal log file.

"Note to self: put Spock on deuterium tank cleanup duty for the next two weeks after the holidays."

~xxx~

"Now then Mr. Scott, would you kindly adjust the balcony steps by 3 degrees negative."

Scotty growled and pushed the steps as directed by Spock. This would be the fourth time he had readjusted various props in the last ten minutes.

"Mr. Spock, don't you think that it will...fffrriipp!... look good anyway?"

Spock grimaced and looked to see Rand and Chekov making similar expressions of revulsion. Scotty had evidently decided that Christmas was far too unappealing this year and he started celebrating the New Year at least a week early with yet another bottle of liquid that had now passed on it's deleterious effects on the Chief Engineer.

"You are correct, Mr. Scott. No, can you return to your cabin. Logic dictates that we remove any source of further methane and hydrogen sulfide emissions, lest the entire crew dies from asphyxiation and life support failure."

Scotty nodded and waved to the new director. He bumped into a familiar face in the door way as he left.

"Captain Kirk?"

Suddenly, Kirk wished he was invisible.

"Yes, Mr. Scott."

"Your costume, its...green."

"Yes, it is green, Mr. Scott."

"I didn't know that Romeo wore a green tight outfit in Romeo and Juliet."

Kirk grimaced and groaned audibly. The costume was very tight as it molded to every sinew. In truth, Kirk had a fairly good physique and that was a good thing, because if he had a mole the size of a carbon atom growing on his abdomen, everyone would know simply by looking. If fact, Kirk was glad he had chosen not to eat yet, as it would have surely ripped the costume into shreds.

"I don't think he did either. The ships stores didn't have a Romeo costume available in my size yet, so I had to settle with Peter Pan for the dress rehearsal."

Scotty nodded and looked back at the set. Sulu was standing on the balcony as he tried to figure out what to do with the long veil attached to the top of his own tall, pointed head gear.

"I suppose if we can have a Juliet with a three-day beard, we can have a Romeo that doesn't grow up."

Kirk groaned again and pushed past Scotty. McCoy was waiting, just as he promised. The old southern doctor giggled lightly to himself when he saw the Captain in his costume for the first time. Rand stepped over to him and walked around him, like she was assessing the value of an ancient stature.

"I must say, Captain, you look rather dashing."

Kirk rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He suddenly felt like an Orion slave girl and he was about the same hue.

"Thank you. Spock, can we get on with this."

Spock stood and motioned toward the stage.

"Indeed, places everyone, if you please."

Kirk walked by and and shot a warning glance to McCoy before taking his place at the bottom of the balcony.

"Now then," Spock began, "this is, admittedly, my first attempt and somewhat creative fiction, but I am sure that logic can lead one to do anything well, if they simple take the time to apply logical methods to the endeavor. This play is about our recent visit to Vulcan and while I admit the juxtaposition of Shakespeare to a mission to battle several Romulan invasion forces seems somewhat strange, I am quite certain the audience will both enjoy themselves and learn a valuable lesson as well."

"In plain, non-Vulcan English," McCoy spoke up, "he means this is his first time and he hopes its good."

Spock turned to look at the doctor.

"I believe I was able to make myself clear, Doctor. Shall we begin?"

Sulu stepped to the end of the balcony and looked down at his script in his hand. He had agreed to this at the last minute and only after very large amounts of sake, so he had yet to completely memorize his lines. He cleared his throat in a most masculine manner and tried to adopt his most best attempt and a feminine voice.

"Oh Romeo, Romeo, where forth art thou, Romeo. Several more Romulan ships have de-cloaked and are beaming down. Romeo, where are you?"

This was the point that Kirk was dreading. He cleared his throat and looked up.

"Juliet, my Juliet. The Romulans are walking into a trap and they will be defeated shortly. There are several more Starfleet vessels...Spock, I can't do this."

Spock stood again and clasped his hands into his classic pyramid shape that meant he was deep in thought.

"What do you mean, Captain? Is the lines in error."

"Well, yeah! I've read through the entire script and I can't figure out what this has to do with Christmas or New Years. Maybe you should consider postponing the entire thing until another Earth holiday."

"If you wish, Captain. Do you have a suggestion as to which holiday would be more appropriate?"

"April Fool's Day would be my first guess."

Spock nodded and sat down. If he were human, he might be dejected.

"I understand, Captain, but that does leave us with an interesting conundrum. What would be the best form of entertainment for the ship's Christmas party this year?"

McCoy bolted up from where he was and ran for the door.

"Bones! Where are you going?"

"I've got the perfect idea, Jim. I can set up the ship's monitors to show the video of you and Rand in the cargo bay earlier this week."

He ran through the door with Rand in hot pursuit. Kirk would have joined her, but his current costume effectively hobbled him. One thing was for certain, McCoy would be joining Spock cleaning the deuterium tanks.


End file.
